


See This Through

by handcversbruise



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Cheating, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, M/M, it's not super much though i edited a lot of it out, kind of like zayn and liam are getting masters or something idek it doesn't matter, zayn is fucking shit up again it is a day that ends in y
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-27
Updated: 2013-09-27
Packaged: 2017-12-27 17:44:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/981796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/handcversbruise/pseuds/handcversbruise
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He knows what he wants to say, but it’s exactly what he shouldn’t. He made his mind up years ago to just be Liam’s friend. (They broke up a few months after Zayn had asked Liam out because Zayn’s old flame from college had come back into his life. It’s not that he hadn’t wanted to be with Liam, he just didn’t want his current relationship to get in the way of pursuing another. He’s really fucking bad for Liam.)</p><p>He wants to be Liam’s friend but neither of them are good at boundaries. </p><p>“I love you, Liam.” </p><p>[or the one where Zayn's in love with Liam but that's not enough.]</p>
            </blockquote>





	See This Through

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to Sahana and Jasmine for reading over this, like always, you two are my favorites. 
> 
> Dedicated to Harry because why the hell not?
> 
> One day I will write fluff but today is not that day. 
> 
> Please don't share this with any of the boys, blah blah blah.
> 
> Also AO3 says says this is less than 4k words and wordcounter says its 4200, so i'm confused by this.

“Are you leaving?”

Zayn’s in the middle of pulling up his pants when he hears Liam. He’s just woken up, voice rough with sleep and something else Zayn doesn’t think too much about.

“Yeah, Li. I’m meeting Harry later at the cinema.” He keeps his tone light in hopes of keeping Liam from commenting on the situation.

Liam sits up in bed but his shoulders droop, like he’s defeated. Even with his head hung low, he’s the most beautiful thing Zayn’s ever seen.

 Liam clears his throat before speaking. “You’re meeting.. him?” Not even Zayn can ignore the sadness in his voice this time.

Zayn tosses on his t shirt and sits back down on Liam’s bed. His smile doesn’t waver, even when Liam makes eye contact. He settles down next to Liam, until he’s resting his head on his shoulder.

“You know I love you, right?”

Liam shrugs in response. Zayn searches for his hands underneath the mess of blankets and intertwines their fingers. He kisses Liam’s hand. 

“You know you mean so much more to me than Harry, babe. We’ll be together, properly, soon. Just as soon as I sort my life out.” 

He’s repeated this speech so many times that it’s lost its meaning, but Liam doesn’t know that.

Liam relaxes against him. They sit in silence for a few more minutes before Zayn resumes his clean up. He makes small talk ever so often. Liam doesn’t engage him.

He heads out the door, flashes Liam a smile, and leaves. It’s so simple now, leaving Liam. He drives away, ignoring the voice in the back of his head that told him to stay.

 

***

 

Harry’s fun. He’s different from Zayn in so many ways, but mostly he’s different from Liam. Liam makes Zayn want to be a better person but he can’t deal with that. So he has Harry. 

The drive to Harry’s house is long but he spends it singing along to the Usher CD in his stereo. And if “Burn” hits a little too close to home, no one needs to know.

Five minutes later there’s a curly haired boy with bright green eyes in his car and Zayn’s not thinking about gorgeous boys with short brown hair and brown eyes anymore.

Harry leads Zayn into the cinema, babbling incessantly about some new tv show he’s started to watch. He’s talking faster than normal but still too slow to keep Zayn’s attention. He knows he’s got no right to complain, but he misses Liam.

He throws Harry the occasional smile but he’s distracted by Liam’s texts. He sends messages about how he wishes Liam could be there with him, or how Liam has better taste in, well, everything. Liam tells him he’s going out with his best friend Niall, and to have fun. Zayn’s thankful he doesn’t ask why he bothers with Harry if Liam’s so special.

Halfway through the movie, Harry pokes Zayn’s arm. He’s smiling wide at Zayn, showing his dimples. It’s as if the shitty movie doesn’t matter, just because he’s there with Zayn. For a second he enjoys being with Harry, because Harry makes him forget and Harry likes him and that’s what he needs, maybe. Except then Harry leans over and rests his head on Zayn’s shoulder and he freezes.

He calls Harry his boyfriend mostly to keep him around so these expectant gestures make him uncomfortable. He’s trying to get used to them. It just feels wrong to do them with someone who isn’t Liam. (But sex is different--sex is meaningless.)

He shrugs Harry off with the pretense of getting some popcorn from the bucket on his lap. Harry pouts and Zayn laughs before throwing a handful of unpopped kernels at him. Harry makes an indignant sound and Zayn relents and holds his hand. 

The movie ends in a way that leaves Zayn extremely confused. Harry’s going on in an animated analysis about the lack of plot. He’s a little loud and it’s giving Zayn a headache.

“Zayn, are you listening?” Harry taps his back a little too hard to be casual, causing Zayn to stumble a bit. He looks up to see Harry staring at him; Zayn finishes sending Liam a text complaining about Harry.

 He can tell Harry’s upset, upset enough that if his reply isn’t good enough there’ll be a fight about everything they’ve ever disagreed about in the middle of the street. He jumps towards Harry and wraps an arm around him, bringing his head down to kiss his cheek.  

Zayn laughs at Harry’s look of surprise. “‘Course I was babe. You’re cute when you rant.” 

Harry blushes while beginning to protest but Zayn cuts him off by extending his hand. 

“Come over to mine?” It only takes Harry a moment to say yes.

 

***

 

The thing about Liam Payne is that he’s a good person. He’s genuine, he does his homework, helps his friends when they need him--he’s got “good” written all over his existence. It makes Zayn mad. In fact, it downright pisses Zayn off. He’s angry because the world needs more people like Liam and Liam needs someone to be with him, someone as amazing as him, and Zayn is not that someone.

He’s 19 when he and Liam first meet. He’s also incredibly stupid. He’s just been dumped by his last fling, which is a common enough occurrence that he’s not crying about it, but he is sad. Sad enough to drink more than normal, at least. He’s been spending more of his time alternating between the dingy bar near his place and the library at his campus, reading his favorite French author’s short stories and pining over lost love. (Also, nursing many hangovers.)

On the third day of his wallowing, a boy comes to his table. Zayn vaguely recognizes him from around uni, sometimes from the magazine he submits stories to. He’s clearly nervous but sits down anyway.

“Um, hello!” He sounds cheery. It comforts Zayn for no real reason. “This is probably very weird but, um, I love your writing! I read the magazine, y’know, and um, I follow your blog? Bu--but I’m not a creep I promise!” he’s rambling from nerves and Zayn thinks it’s the cutest thing he’s ever seen.

He’d be lying if he said he didn’t like the attention this boy was giving him.

“You.. read my blog.” That’s a comment he’s never gotten before. He’s nowhere near popular on the internet but it’s flattering anyway.

The stranger blushes as he nods. “I’ve even sent you messages. You don’t follow me though” He says the last part like it’s a personal offense that Zayn doesn’t follow him. 

It’s the most random conversation Zayn’s ever had and it doesn’t end there. They trade URLs and he finds out the boy is named Liam. Zayn’s had actual conversations with him before, good ones. They end up exchanging numbers when Liam has to head off to class.

It’s obvious that Liam has a bit of a crush by the way he’s written to and about him. He’s sweet, if a bit socially inept, and Zayn thinks he could use someone like Liam to help him heal from his past relationship mistakes. He’s lonely and he’s bored, and maybe it’s not the  most noble beginning in the world, but at least it’s a start.

 

The next few months fly by in a blur of drunk blogging, procrastinating important assignments, and Liam. He opens up to Liam more than he’s ever done with anyone, and it’s a cliche to say the least. He’s not sure if it’s because Liam’s just so easy to talk to or because he’s still planning to have Liam fall for him. Zayn’s not sure what it is either.

 

***

 

Zayn asks Liam out the week before his 20th birthday. They’re in Zayn’s room like usual, and there’s a movie playing in the background that no one’s paying attention to. Zayn’s writing a new short story and Liam’s trying to be discreet while watching him.

It’s nearly silent in the room when Zayn just blurts it out. “Do you want to be my boyfriend, Liam?”

It’s blunt and presumptuous--he’s not even asking the boy out on a date, he’s jumping straight into relationship territory without any sort of certainty that Liam likes him. Actually he’s not even sure Liam’s not straight.

The look on Liam’s face is priceless. His eyes are comically wide and he’s so pale that Zayn worries he’ll pass out. He hasn’t said anything at all which freaks Zayn out even more.

“No--forget it Liam, I’m sorry”

“Of course I will, Zayn!” His face lights up and his smile reaches his eyes, and Zayn’s heart does something it’s never done before.  

They spend the rest of the day cuddling together, watching Toy Story, and Zayn’s never felt happier.

 

***

 

It’s two days after his movie date that he sees Liam. Texting and tweeting each other isn’t enough to fill Zayn’s need for Liam; they don’t even begin to compare to how he feels when Liam’s next to him.

He’s not in a good mood when he gets to Liam’s house. His mom had yelled at him for no reason, he’s out of cigarettes and he’s behind on his schoolwork. He just needs Liam.

It says something, Zayn supposes, that no matter how many people Liam sees him be with, he’s always there. Sometimes they fight about Zayn’s behavior but it’s never Liam against Zayn. Every time Zayn apologizes to Liam for being with someone else, for breaking up with him no matter how they feel about each other, Liam just says he’s sorry he isn’t good enough. Maybe one day Zayn’ll convince Liam none of this is his fault.

They’re not the dumb teenagers in the library anymore, but Zayn’s just as stupid. He’s working on a thesis about art therapy and Liam’s looking into criminology. Zayn’s so proud to have something so good in the form of Liam, but he can’t let himself have it.

Sometimes Zayn goes to see Liam after being with Harry and he’ll cry about everything while Liam holds him, whispering that he understands and he loves Zayn too.

On this particularly bad night though, all he wants is Liam to smile at him. Talking about things is not on the agenda.

Liam holds the door open for him but doesn’t move enough so he can come inside.

He’s frowning. “I thought you were going to be with Harry tonight.” He looks nice, really nice, and Zayn notices how his favorite color is the color of Liam’s eyes. It’s a sappy thought, but it’s Liam, and if Zayn’s ever believed in love it’s because of Liam.

He dismisses Liam’s serious tone. “Wanted to see you instead.”

Liam’s unable to hide his smile at that, and moves to let Zayn in. Zayn heads straight up to Liam’s room and plops down on his bed, careful not to damage Liam’s laptop. The screen is on his blog inbox, a familiar name making up the first message.

“Oh, they send you stuff too? Louis, right? One time he corrected me on some sort of cultural thing, like mate, I’m Pakistani and you’re not, shove off!” Liam’s pressing himself against Zayn from behind, chin resting on his shoulder. He places a small kiss on Zayn’s neck before moving away.

“Yeah, I think. We don’t really talk though.” He looks down, like he’s nervous. “Don’t really talk to anyone but you and Niall.”

Zayn likes Niall. He’s loud, he’s blonde, he loves to drink and go out, and somehow he’s Liam’s best friend. He’s also the only person LIam’s ever told about their relationship. 

Zayn nods. “We got over that a while back. We text now. You should follow him, yeah? He’s into some of the same things we are.” 

Liam doesn’t say anything. 

Zayn closes the laptop and moves it away. He’s still on edge because of the fight with his mom, because of his classes, and because of Harry. He should not talk to Liam about Harry. 

Liam’s sitting against the headboard so Zayn positions himself against Liam. He grabs Liam’s arm and tosses it around himself. 

Zayn bites his lip a little too hard, and Liam notices him let out a small gasp.

“I don’t know how to deal with Harry..” He speaks slowly, like he’s trying to make sure Liam doesn’t get scared away.

“Sometimes he’s great, honestly. I love how different we are and he’s really attractive too but I just..”

He knows what he wants to say, but it’s exactly what he shouldn’t. He made his mind up years ago to just be Liam’s friend. (They broke up a few months after Zayn had asked Liam out because Zayn’s old flame from college had come back into his life. It’s not that he hadn’t wanted to be with Liam, he just didn’t want his current relationship to get in the way of pursuing another. He’s really fucking bad for Liam.)

He wants to be Liam’s friend but neither of them are good at boundaries.

“I love you, Liam.”

It’s not like they’ve never said it before, but it never leads to anything good. It’s not a lie for Zayn, and it never has been, no matter what his intentions with Liam were in the beginning. It’s always scared him, scares him so much he needs to run away from it.

Liam looks like he’s going to cry and Zayn feels his mood lift a bit. That’s a bad correlation.

He shifts so he’s essentially sitting on Liam’s lap, inches away from his face. He presses a kiss against Liam’s neck but it’s not enough. It’s not enough for Zayn to feel Liam’s skin against his lips because he always demands so much more than Liam can give.

He sits straight up and leans in closer, studying the way Liam’s eyes are closed but his eyelids seem to be shaking. His breaths are uneven, and he’s gripping the sheets far too tight.

“Tell me to stop.”

Liam won’t. Zayn knows he won’t. He keeps hoping Liam will.

He closes the gap between them, glides his lips over Liam’s, enjoying the familiar roughness of them. He turns to straddle Liam, causing Liam to let out a sound of displeasure at the separation. He’s never been one to hesitate to kiss back, and as soon as Zayn’s settling back down on top of him, he pulls him impossibly closer.

Zayn’s hands find their way under Liam’s shirt and he feels Liam pull away. They’re still kissing but Liam’s tense under him and Zayn thinks Liam’s going to tell him to leave, for good this time. He’s ready to hear him say that he needs to stop using him when he has Harry to go home to, to make up his goddamn mind, but that’s not what happens. 

Liam licks at Zayn’s neck before biting down hard enough to make Zayn groan loudly. He’s more relaxed now, alternating between biting and licking, and Zayn’s hands wander behind Liam’s back. Zayn’s leaning so close into Liam that it’s hard to tell where one ends and the other begins.

It’s an involuntary reaction he has to Liam, Zayn thinks, that causes him to want to submit to his every touch. He trusts Liam not to hurt him, to stop if he were to say so, and Liam’s always so incredibly focused on making sure Zayn feels good. He feels Liam tug on his zipper as he licks at a bruise Harry left on Zayn’s collarbone.

The sensations are overwhelming Zayn, because it’s Liam and he knows what Zayn likes better than anyone else. At some point during his internal monologue of praising Liam, Liam unzipped his jeans. Liam comes back up to kiss his lips, biting his bottom lip hard enough to leave a bruise, and takes him in his hand. It’s an awkward angle and Zayn’s not doing anything but distractedly grinding against Liam but he thinks he could get lost in this forever. Liam’s his forever type thing but he doesn’t know how to do that.

Liam’s whispering in his ear and flicking his wrist just right and Zayn’s powerless to say anything other than “Liam”--a meaningless chant by now.

“Let me fuck you, Zayn, yeah?”

Zayn thrusts up into his hand because fuck, Liam always knows what to do, and it’s really embarrassing how he’s letting out high pitched “yeah, yeah, yeah’s” at the thought of Liam fucking him into the mattress.

The rest of the night passes by in a blur of messy kisses and mumbled fantasies, with a few too many promises made in the heat of the moment. Zayn’s half asleep when he tells Liam he can’t wait for them to be older, to live together “somewhere cool” like San Francisco, and that he’s sorry about everything.

 

Liam wakes him up an hour later, saying they should clean themselves up a bit before going to sleep for real. He holds him afterwards but he looks like he’s got something to say and Zayn’s not sleepy anymore. He doesn’t want to talk about what keeps happening, doesn’t want to address the fact that for as long as he’s been with Harry, he’s been sleeping with Liam too.

“I should go.”

He’s surprised by himself when he says it. There’s nowhere he has to go, no other plans with anyone, but he can tell Liam’s expecting things from him again. That’s never good.

Liam lets him go too quickly for his own liking. Zayn looks at him and he’s nodding. There’s no begging for him to spend the night, no questioning of his motives.

He looks beautiful even when he’s worn out. It’s Zayn’s favorite thing in the world. He just never lets himself stick around to witness it.

With a parting kiss on Liam’s cheek, he gathers his things and leaves.

He sends Harry a text outside Liam’s bedroom door and Liam almost runs into him when he opens it.

He gives Zayn a hug.

“I love you too.”

 

***

 

Zayn’s not a dramatic person but dramatic things frequently happen to him.

Or rather, dramatic people. It’s not that Harry’s entirely unjustified in his anger, it’s just that Zayn doesn’t give a fuck. 

“Tell me why you tweeted that right now.” 

Harry’s voice is loud and irritating. It’s too early for this. Nobody expects to be woken up at 6 am by their boyfriend screaming about Twitter over the phone. Or nobody should.

“What’re you talking about?” He’s pretty sure his eyes aren’t even open and he’s got no idea what Harry’s referring to. Zayn tweets a lot of things and most of it is useless shit.

That seems to make Harry more mad. “Why the fuck did you say, ‘It’s always you and me in the end, isn’t it?’”

There’s no clear memory of tweeting that in his head, but either way, it’s a quote from his (and Liam’s) favorite episode of Doctor Who. He can fix this.

He laughs. “Babe, that’s a Doctor Who quote. From the Neil Gaiman episode, remember?”

He recalls having a recent marathon of the show, so it’s a completely valid alibi. Not that he’s done anything wrong. Not really. (Except cheat.)

Harry curses at him. “I don’t watch Doctor Who, babe.”  Harry manages to make a romantic word sound like a curse. “You had that marathon with Liam the other day. Not me. Your boyfriend. Who isn’t Liam.”

Harry and Liam sometimes talk to each other on Twitter, mostly because Liam’s a good friend to Zayn and wants to be a part of his life. It makes sense that Harry would see Liam talk about their activities.

(Zayn ignores the fact that ever since Louis and Liam started talking talking more on Twitter, Liam’s been changing in ways he’s not a fan of. That is not a relevant train of thought when Harry’s yelling at him.)

“Harry, what’s this about?”

His patience has run out and he needs to get this conversation over with. 

“I’m coming over. Be ready in fifteen minutes.”

 

***

 

In Zayn’s defense, Harry’s logic for breaking up is petty to say the least. He complains about Zayn’s usage of social media, his mood swings, (at one point he even says his celebrity crushes are reason enough to dump him), but mostly he claims zayn isn’t affectionate enough.

And okay, so, he can’t argue with that. He’s still sore from the night before with Liam. He hurts everywhere because of Liam, but he’s used to that.

Harry whines and tries to fight but Zayn has no energy to do anything but let him wear himself out. When Harry closes his door and drives away, he doesn’t feel anything.

He takes a nap before he calls Liam. Actually he takes a nap, posts the situation on Twitter, and then calls Liam.

He’s too distracted by the hilarious comments his friends are making about Harry to notice Liam’s sad tone of voice.

He’s getting ready to end the conversation when Liam interrupts him.

“What about us?”

There’s nothing Zayn wants more than to be with Liam. He dreams about the days when they’ll be officially together, the days when Zayn finally listens to what Liam wants. But it’s not that day yet.

“Not yet, Liam. Not yet.”

It’s the first time all day Zayn feels sad.

 

Liam hangs up first.

 

***

 

Perrie.

That’s the girl he starts seeing a month after ending things with Harry. He has no interest in making it something serious and neither does she.

She’s got pink hair and pale skin and Liam hates her immediately. He refuses to listen to Zayn talk about her.

 

Two weeks into the fling he’s craving Liam’s arms around him. They’ve hardly spent any time together recently, both of them too busy for anything more than tweets.

Liam’s developed a tendency to not reply when Zayn says he loves him.

 

Before he’s aware of what he’s doing, he’s knocking on Liam’s door. It takes longer than usual for him to answer and he thinks maybe Liam’s not home.

He hears giggling as the door opens.

Liam looks guilty, but happy.

“Hey Zayn! What’s up?” He sounds too excited for his own good. Liam’s always been a shit liar.

Zayn ignores it.

“Can we hang out?”

He sounds desperate and in a way he is.

Liam frowns. “Right now? I’m kind of busy?” Suddenly he becomes very focused on his shoes. “I’m hanging out with Louis?”

It takes a while for Zayn to realize that Liam’s just turned him down. That’s never happened.

“Oh. Louis from the Internet?”

His voice shakes.

Liam blushes and he looks so good that it takes all of Zayn’s self control not to kiss him.

“Yeah! He doesn’t live too far and we talk a lot--y’know, since you suggested it--so we decided to meet up.”

 Flashbacks to group messages and tinychats come rushing back to him. Louis is Zayn’s friend too, sort of, and he’s even talked to him about Liam.

He hears a voice call Liam from inside the house. He recognizes it immediately.

There’s a brief moment where he considers asking Liam if there’s something going on, if there’s something that he’s missing. It’s strange not to be invited to join them, but Zayn’s not sure he would.

He nods at Liam who seems to be struggling to ignore Louis in the other room.

“Right. Bye Liam. I love you.”

 

Liam closes the door and doesn’t say it back.

**Author's Note:**

> If you read this the whole way through, thank you!
> 
> In all honesty I shouldn't have written this. It's too personal and it means too much to me, but I was having a really bad day and while this didn't help, I had to get it out in some way. 
> 
> It was inspired by Jasmine saying I'm her headcanon for Zayn, so there we go.


End file.
